I alternate between having an unhealthy obsession with Facebook and deleting my profile for months (and usually being quite productive because of it). The reality is that 95% of the things posted there are irrelevant to my life or interests and can be classified as contributing to the rotting of my brain. A few observations:
FOOD PHOTOS
When will people realize posting photos of their food makes you look like an idiot? It almost always looks unappetizing and the only good thing I can say about it would be such photos have contributed to my diets.
Equally absurd are the sad attempts to describe with lush adjectives the salad you just prepared. "Baby greens, goat cheese, California-grown oranges, and carrots drizzled with balsamic/lemon dressing" makes you sound pretentious. You made a salad. Awesome. Did anyone really need to know about this?
KID PHOTOS AND VIDEOS
I love my friends and I love their kids, but I rarely click on the videos of the little ones singing a song, eating their first bowl of cereal, or even taking their first steps. As to the latter, unless the kid is doing the tango, one clumsy stumble is like most of the others here. Louis CK does a hilarious bit about this and suggests those that don't believe it post a video of their child for 3 seconds doing something cute and then like 3 minutes of your gaping asshole opening and closing. He guarantees you'll still see the same comments ("It looks like a star is born!" "How adorable!")
It's got to be something pretty amazing to make me watch a toddler video. "Watch Brian power-bomb the dog" might work.
I think the reality is the people that truly care about your children is usually a pretty small circle of family and a few deep down good friends. The same probably rings true about adults. I know it does for me personally. I wish all my friends kids the best, but I really don't care what little Reagan at for dinner today.
The worst thing about this stuff isn't the kids, but, of course, the parents. The hyper-parenting on Facebook lets us all know who is insecure and pathetic.
TRANSPARENT BRAGGING
If you need to boast to the world about your property, perceived great personal qualities, or looks on Facebook, just find a good therapist now and spare the rest of us.
"Man, my daughter just got back from modeling and brought like 3 friends. The house is full and our 55 inch TV isn't cutting it anymore!"
Translation: I have the most gorgeous child in the world and I'm way richer than it appears...look at my giant TV...and it's about to get bigger!
I feel bad for the kid, who, as it turns out isn't really a "model", but Mom simply paid to be part of a modelling agency (real models get paid, they don't pay others). Now everyone reading this is scrutinizing the poor girl and indirectly calling her ugly under their breaths.
"We are at South Beach and wanted to go to the best restaurant in town. There was a 2-hour line but we got seated right away. It pays to know people sometimes!"
Translation: I'm amazing. I'm in Miami. I go to 5-star restaurants and am basically a celebrity.
CONSTANT BEATING A DEAD HORSE ON CONTROVERSIAL ISSUES
-Yes, we know you are a Tea Party nut that supports gun rights and feels any attempt to curtail or restrict their ownership whatsoever will defile your misguided reading of the 2nd Amendment. Please continue to reinforce this long-ago obvious position of yours with daily posts about it.
POST A CONTROVERSIAL (AKA IGNORANT) OPINION AND THEN GET OFFENDED WHEN SOMEONE TAKES YOU TO TASK ON IT
-I remember one girl from High School posted something about gay people being dirty people destined for a life with Satan that good Christians should spit at when given the chance. I couldn't help myself and responded with some thoughts quite contrary to that and was met with lots of posts deriding me for daring to tarnish the thread of what had been exclusively hate-mongering supporters.
Why would you be so ignorant to think you can post something that offensive (to some) on a public forum and then not be willing to deal with any protest? Well, the answer for this particular example probably needs no telling.
SO WHY BOTHER?
Because it can be hilarious. There are probably 4-5 people on this thing that keep me coming back for more due to their outlandish behavior, complete lack of filter, and outrageous airing of their dirtiest laundry. I just wish they had Twitter or that I was ambitious enough to hide all the nonsense so my feed would only be them.
Am I hypocrite? I used to post food photos, but ironically (bags of Doritos, energy drinks, Gorditas). I have a special site for family photos. I don't brag because I am happy with what I have and feel lucky to have it. I don't have anything to lord it over other people. But I suppose I don't contribute much myself that keeps people coming back to the feed with regularity. I am a sad Facebook lurker and must admit some of these criticisms are of the armchair quarterback variety. So there you have it.
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